Painful Lessons:
What We Must Learn About Open Adoption, For Our Children's Sake.
by Marcy Wineman AxnessBaby Jessica, Baby Richard...
Haunting specters of what can go so wrong in an institution that purports to champion children, not turn them into the chattel of Dickensian days...
On a spring day in 1995 the nation watched as four-year-old Danny Warburton (alias Baby Richard) was pried from his parents' arms to go and live with his birth parents. It was a heartbreaking reprise of a scene from the summer of '93, the climax of the most famous adoption custody case to date.
A Child Sacrificed, A Nation Confused
I'm sure none of us will soon forget the tragic story of Jessica, the moral of which was eloquently summed up not by the rhetoric of the attorneys, not by the televised appeals by the Schmidts or DeBoers, but by thirty seconds of heart-rending footage of a sobbing little girl being taken from her home and parents, screaming as her world was ripped apart-once again-in this pathetic human tug-of-war.
The ordeal of Jessica and the Schmidts and DeBoers left us reeling-frustrated, sorrowful, angry, outraged. But I would venture that for many, the most passionate, gnawing response to this story was "God, what if that happens to us? What if it happens to our children, our friends?" There is a sense of powerlessness that accompanies these tragedies. "What can we do to keep this from happening in our world?" In this state, we are sitting ducks for those wielding compelling misinformation.
Misunderstanding Open Adoption
I was outraged to hear a television news reporter say to the anchorperson, as a post-script to her story on the Jessica outcome, "This is not the norm, these stories are rare, and usually, the names of the adoptive parents are kept secret."
Are we going to let the DeBoer/Schmidt tragedy set adoption consciousness back 30 years? To let this scare us away from open adoption is to misunderstand true open adoption, and indeed, over the many months of intense social conversations on the topic, which sprang up in bank lines and at cocktail parties during the DeBoer debacle, I discovered that most people do not understand what true open adoption is.
Jessica's ordeal illustrates beautifully why open adoption must be fully understood and practiced correctly and consciously. Hers was an 'independent' or 'private' adoption, something which has become very prevalent as prospective adoptive parents aren't willing to endure the endless waiting, scrutiny, and red tape long associated with agency adoptions. These independent adoptions are frequently labeled 'open', since there is often fully-identified information exchanged, and even contact between the birth mother (or birth parents) and the prospective adoptive parents, prior to the placement. The only contact between the DeBoer's and Cara Schmidt had been a letter. (It is important to note, as well, that birth parents can and do "reclaim" babies in conventional, closed adoption as well.)
The opportunity to select the adoptive parents is often what attracts birth parents to open adoption. Conversely, many adopting parents merely accept the contact with the birth parents as a necessary-but not necessarily welcomed-part of the adoption process. Many of these so-called 'open' adoptions are emotional time-bombs-most never go off as violently as the one we all grimly witnessed, but some do. Indeed, the fact is that there are many cases like Jessica's that we never hear about.
And the response of many is to tsk, tsk about how scary and dangerous open adoption is. Yes, it can be, if done without proper, conscientious guidance.
What Conscientious Open Adoption Must Include
One of the greatest dangers to a child is to attempt an open adoption without good, disinterested counseling-meaning that the counselor has no interest in whether or not the final outcome is an adoption placement. This doesn't mean one or two sessions with a social worker for the birth mother, explaining her options and describing the adoption process, highlighting the benefits to her in open adoption of being able to choose the adoptive parents. And it doesn't mean a coaching session for the prospective adoptive parents in techniques to help keep the birthmother from changing her mind.
Quality counseling for the birth mother (or birth parents), includes:
(1) An exploration of the dizzying gamut of her feelings;
(2) An evolving understanding of what adoption would mean for her, her child, and the parents she chooses for her child;
(3) Help in realizing that while she may make plans beforehand, she will not be in a position to make a fully-informed decision regarding the adoption until after her baby is born;
(4) Preparation for the fact that she will naturally experience feelings of loss and grief if she does choose to relinquish her child for adoption, even if the choice is the correct one for her, and even though she will have contact with her child and her child's parents, and
(5) Ambivalence. This last point is one of the land mines of poorly-done open adoption: when an uncounseled birthmother, with no post-placement counseling, is blindsided by her stormy emotions after the separation from her baby, a natural thought is, "I made a mistake. I've got to get my baby back," even if her decision to relinquish her child was a sound one and a right one. You see, we as a society aren't good with ambivalence-we're conditioned to think that if something is right, it feels good, and if it feels bad or is difficult, it must be wrong.
Quality counseling for prospective adoptive parents includes:
(1) Exploring their own profound losses, of infertility or the death or miscarriage of a child or children;
(2) Examining their reasons for adopting a child;
(3) Really understanding that a prospective birth mother will not be in a position to make a decision about relinquishing her child until after the baby has been born;
(3) Understanding that they will be witnessing close-up the very real grief of their child's birthmother, and that this is a normal part of open adoption;
(4) Embarking on an inner journey to confront the most destructive force in adoption-personal insecurities and fears. "Every adoption is a foray into terror," writes Jim Gritter, Child Welfare Supervisor, Catholic Human Services in Traverse City, MI, and author of The Spirit of Open Adoption.
Unfortunately, many of the professionals in private open adoption today are not social workers trained about the complex issues of adoption, but rather, attorneys. Some of them stress the need for good counseling, but I know for a fact that many actually discourage it, possibly with the mercenary attitude that warning a birthmother about the potential grief and loss might threaten the placement.
Facing the Fear To Lay A Foundation of Openness
How adoptive parents respond to their fear-whether they capitulate to it, taking refuge in secrecy and denial, or face it head on and emerge stronger-determines the integrity of the first layer of foundation upon which their adoptive experience, especially their relationship with their child, will be built.
Children intuitively sense in their parents an emotional posture which dreads those questions, even when they've been told, "You can always ask us any questions you have." Such a climate makes for a superficial, somewhat strained relationship between child and parents, not only in adoptive families, but in any family in which there are unanswered questions and questions that can't be asked.
Re-framing to Achieve Peace of Mind
Jim Gritter, Director of the adoption program at Catholic Human Services in Traverse City, Michigan, is at the forefront of open adoption consciousness and practice. He considers one of his main tasks to be a reframing of what he terms "desperate, un-checked self-interest" on the part of prospective adoptive parents. When couples come to him wanting to adopt a baby--"By tomorrow, if possible; sundown today would be even better"--Gritter gently guides them from a What can we get? orientation to a What can we give? orientation. They emerge as a resource for a prospective birth mother, rather than the other way around, and, paradoxically, these couples end up feeling more enriched within themselves, regardless of the final outcome of the adoption.
Indeed, with the help of Gritter's counseling and insight, and a shared journey with a birth mother or extended birth family, hundreds of prospective adoptive parents have reached the threshold of the delivery room in Traverse City with the peaceful conviction that the woman about to give birth is to be respected as a person, and supported in her decision, regardless of whether she chooses to place her baby with them.
They know that there will be another baby for them if she decides to parent, but that there would be no re-gaining of their self-respect, no re-weaving of their torn code of personal ethics, no shaking off the guilt, if they knew they had somehow coerced, manipulated, or impeded that young woman or couple in their process of a lifelong decision.
"You don't want to set yourself up for that, it isn't worth it no matter how desperate you may be," says Mike Spry, an adoptive parent who squarely faced the heartbreak of returning a 4-day-old baby to a birth father who was suing for custody.
Spry has often counseled other prospective adoptive parents to aspire to be able to tell a birth mother, after the birth of her baby, "You do what you feel is best, and we will support you 100%." Spry advises, "You can come out of this process with a full sense of entitlement, if you take that step."
The beauty of this kind of re-framing-which is the hallmark of truly child-centered adoption-is eloquently articulated in the book The Story of David, by Dion Howells, in which Howells relates the feelings he and his wife shared immediately after the birth of the child who ultimately became their son by adoption, after much soul-searching and indecision on the part of his birth mother.
"Someone is going to leave this hospital with a broken heart....The worst-case scenario in all this is that someone is going to take this little guy home and love him with all their heart. So there is no worst-case scenario for this baby."
Adoptive parents who follow guidelines like these are not saints, or without their everyday hang-ups-in other words, they are no more "cut out" for this type of values-based open adoption than is anyone reading this article. What they have that perhaps others don't is enlightened, experienced guidance.
How Much Contact To Have With A Birthmother, And When?
It has become customary in open adoptions for the prospective adoptive parents to develop a relationship with the woman who is carrying the child who may end up being theirs. Sometimes this relationship becomes quite close, whereby the couple becomes a source of emotional support and nurturance for the pregnant young woman, and is invited by her to be in the delivery room for the birth of the baby. This is an issue over which there are some conflicting opinions and attitudes.
Nancy Verrier, adoptive mother, therapist, and author of The Primal Wound, thinks that such a close relationship between prospective adoptive parents and a pregnant woman can end up being subtly coercive, and strongly believes that adoptive parents should not be in the delivery room for the birth. Verrier says, "That mother needs to welcome that baby into the world herself, and, if she needs to say good-bye, say good-bye to that baby herself, without anybody else being there."
In the context of an ethically rigorous program like the one in Traverse City-in which there is an alertness on everyone's part regarding the possibility of even the most subtle coercive influences-I think contact between a woman and the prospective adoptive parents of her child can be positive and beneficial. But the potential for a coercive influence in the relationship between prospective adoptive parents and prospective birth mothers is high, especially when the birth mother has little or no other sources of emotional or financial support; it is not uncommon for a young woman in this circumstance to end up feeling that she "owes" the couple her baby.
The importance and significance of this reality-and the critical need for all parties in an open adoption to recognize this reality-cannot be overstated: The prospective birthmother is the child's mother, until such time, after the birth of her baby, she makes a considered decision not to parent.
Many birth mothers have expressed the conviction that meeting and getting to know their child's parents ahead of time provided them a large measure of comfort and security. There are others who feel that this relationship unduly influenced their decision, and who, year later, felt angry. This is a highly personal decision. But it should be understood that there is plenty of time after the birth of the baby for a mother to make a more fully-informed choice to pursue adoption for her child, and to then meet some prospective adoptive parents. Clearly, this sequence of events would avert many tragedies like Jessica's. It would also allow the birth mother and baby to remain together for the critical post-partum period during which crucial brain and neurological development is taking place in the baby, which is impeded or even prevented by early separation. The worry that spending time with her baby will cause a birth mother to "change her mind" has not been borne out; in fact, the opposite may be true. [See "An Untimely Miracle" in this series for more on this topic.]
After The Baby Is In The Adoptive Home
In many of today's open adoptions facilitated by attorneys, there is virtually no encouragement of an ongoing relationship between the birthmother and the adoptee after the birth of the baby, thereby violating the primary hallmark of true open adoption. How many grown adoptees would have different lives, richer lives, had they received a special gift, a photo, even a single letter from a birth mother telling them the simple, honest story of their beginnings, and most importantly, that their mothers didn't give them away because they were somehow bad?
Truly open adoptions, of course, involve more than The Letter-as one birth mother called that dauntingly important document that she left for her son to read when he was older. Truly open adoption involves ongoing contact, however occasional, between adoptive and birth families, a practice whose benefit/risk ratio is hotly debated by progressive vs. status quo activists. That so many adults adopted through the closed system champion open adoption speaks volumes about its only alternative.
Healing Our Attitudes About Adoption
I believe that in the adoption industry as it exists today, adoptive parents are tacitly encouraged to paternalistically view birth mothers as less endowed economically, educationally, culturally, sometimes even morally, and thus less equipped-and deserving-to parent. The seeds are thereby sown for bitterness and contempt down the line if the birth mother should change her mind about placing her child with them, they who would be able to provide a clearly better environment for the child, for her child.
Part of the quality counseling that is crucial to a safe and successful adoption is learning about the realities of adoption-that it isn't the romanticized "win-win solution to a three-fold problem" society views it as. Adoption is a relationship borne of a series of personal tragedies out of which blessings can come, but blessings which will remain alloyed with pain, grief and loss.
Loss is a very real dimension of every adoption, but one which is generally overlooked, or even dismissed as so much hogwash by defenders of the status quo in secretive adoption, who promote talking about adoption using terms that eliminate any reference to anything "negative", such as loss or sadness or disappointment.
Even the most "perfect" adoption carries a weighty emotional legacy:
(1) The depth of loss that the majority of adoptive parents have suffered;
(2) The lifelong effects of adoption on the child's developing sense of self. Significant numbers of adoptees suffer from a sense of loss, disconnection and rejection, and contend with lifelong issues of abandonment, low self-esteem, control issues and intimacy problems. Adoptees are over-represented by a factor of ten in special schools, residential treatment centers and juvenile hall; and
(3) The grief and loss carried by birthparents and their families. There is a disproportionately high rate of secondary infertility among birthmothers.
Complex issues like these are generally acknowledged among the ranks of adoption workers and clinicians dealing with adoptive families, but have yet to pierce our stolid veil of societal denial.
How Then Shall It Be?
Knowledge is power, ignorance is bliss; those embarking on adoption are free to choose, but obliged to live with the consequences of their choices long after the ink fades on the adoption decree. For an adoption is truly made in the heart and soul; legal documents can't bear up what the human spirit can't leaven.
Open adoption, as most people perceive and practice it is emotionally treacherous in its ignorance of the full landscape of the experience and the understanding needed to negotiate it. It's like deciding to sky-dive without learning the intricacies of the chute and its mechanism: it may be thrilling, and it may even work-this time-but if it doesn't, there will be a horrible tragedy.
(c)1996, Marcy Wineman Axness
Return to
Adoption Index