Tears and Tantrums: What To Do When Babies and Children Cry
by Aletha Solter
Goleta, CA: Shining Star Press, 1998, 177 pp. $12.95. ISBN=0-9613073-6-6.
(For information tel: 805-968-1868)

In this age where we are trying to find ways to prevent violence in a very violent society, this book is a winner. If only there were some way to get this author's message out to the "masses" of parents who are raising their children in the same old knee-jerk ways.

Violence Prevention

Many years ago I was a Public Health Nurse, later I taught student nurses what I would call preventive psychiatry. I have been a psychotherapist now for 27 years, and these are the messages I have been sharing with my students and clients: "Violence begets violence", "children and adults need to cry out their pain", and "empathic listening" is the most effective tool when children and grownups are distraught. These messages are clearly and carefully delineated in this book with lists of "do's" and "don'ts" and "how to's". It is a book which will lend itself well to Corrective Parenting, the form of psychotherapy in which I am involved If my clients had been raised with the active listening, and attentive parenting Dr. Solter recommends, they would not be in psychotherapy now in their forties and fifties, (and I would not have a vocation)!

Punishment versus empathic listening

The book gives a clear background on violence against children in the history of western civilization. Punishment was essential and parents should "break the child's spirit". This my own mother told me when I queried her on the method of child rearing used in my family. "Spare the rod and spoil the child," clearly an adage which continues to be held sacred in parts of our own society today. And we are almost into the 21st century! Children's crying was considered an expression of evil. Crying is still regarded as taboo, and is unwelcome behavior in a child of any age, particularly when no apparent loss or pain is evident.

Many people are uncomfortable with demonstrations of feelings. The author points out that these behaviors re-stimulate old abuse and archaic feelings in the witnesses and their discomfort drives them to turn away or to try to assuage the sufferer's expressions of grief. Solter points out that research shows crying serves an important function, releasing neurohormones that promote well being. She points out that it is important to facilitate the tears and the tantrums, to stay with the child through the "storm" (we call it "riding the tiger"). Child therapists use crying in Birth Recovery work, and in Holding Therapy. These processes are used extensively with adults in Corrective Parenting therapy also. The same rules for dealing with a crying baby or screaming child also apply to adults in psychotherapy. If a child is allowed to cry, scream, and tantrum while staying connected with the adult present, I think we will prevent Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in countless future adults.

Addiction Patterns in Adults

The author points out that control patterns in adults have their roots in the childhood experience of that adult. The need to avoid being re-stimulated on their own trauma is what drives adults to the addictive behaviors our society is dealing with today. The consumption of chemical substances; overeating; nail biting and other habits; muscle tensions and rigidities; being a workaholic or couch potato are among the control patterns indulged in by adults who do not wish to deal with their own feelings. These methods repress the feelings and the release of neurohormones, and so the adults are given psychoactive drugs to try to relieve the addictive patterns. Much healing is effected simply with the release of tears, and it is as good for grownups to have a temper tantrum as it is for a child to do so. As is true with children, it is advisable to undertake these activities in a protected environment where the therapist's office is soundproofed, and there are mats to work on, and other group members to support the releasing activities. A child having a temper tantrum in a mall causes considerable discomfort. An adult doing so will bring the attention of the police!

Conclusion:

Tears and Tantrums is an important addition to the parenting materials currently on the market. It will be helpful to parents, daycare workers, other child care workers, pediatricians, psychotherapists, and a myriad of others needing to understand the importance of tears in preventing PTSD, ADD, ADHD, addictive behaviors, and other responses to overwhelming events in human lives. That means children, adults, and the child in every one of us. I am going to make Tears and Tantrums required reading for my clients.

Reviewed by Elaine Childs-Gowell, Ph.D., Seattle, Washington

For further information about Aletha Solter's work,
see her Aware Parent web site.